“Describe a Family Member” — The Most Riveting Prompt Since ‘What’s Your Favorite Color?’

Well, bravo WordPress. You’ve outdone yourself. Of all the thrilling, thought-provoking prompts to inspire deep human connection and emotional catharsis, today you’ve given us: “Describe a family member.”

You know, I was this close to writing about my wife, my daughters, or one of my grandkids — real people with actual charm and stories worth telling — but then I thought: no. Who would care? Who would want to read about how cute Winifred is so I decided. Let’s go dark. Let’s dig deep into the unspoken side of family…the one we only acknowledge during awkward reunions when someone whispers, “He’s here.”

So let me introduce you to my third cousin, Bartholomew “Barty” Dinkle, the shadow that hovers on the family tree like a raccoon on a power line.

Barty lives alone in what used to be his grandmother’s chicken coop, now converted into what he calls a “studio.” By “studio,” he means a place with a microwave, one folding chair, and a suspicious number of extension cords. He claims he’s working on an “invention that will change the world,” though last I checked, it involved a hamster wheel, a ceiling fan motor, and something that might have once been a blender.

Barty doesn’t believe in the moon landing — or, for that matter, the moon. He says it’s “just a government lightbulb,” whatever that means. Every Thanksgiving, he arrives three hours late wearing a trench coat and holding a mason jar filled with “positive energy” (which we later found out was just pickle juice).

Conversation with Barty is like trying to tune in an old radio — mostly static with occasional bursts of clarity. One minute he’s talking about sustainable agriculture, the next he’s describing how pigeons are “federal spies with beaks.”

He once tried to sell a “nutrient powder” made from ground acorns and expired protein bars. Claimed it could cure “everything from arthritis to low Wi-Fi.” When the FDA never called, he said it was “because they fear the truth.”

But you know what? Barty’s the reason I love family prompts like this. Because nothing brings people together like collectively pretending they don’t know him.

So thank you, WordPress, for today’s truly inspiring question. Without it, I might have gone another year without reminiscing about the man who once tried to “deworm” my aunt’s poodle using essential oils and a turkey baster.

Some families have legends, heroes, and founders.
Mine has Barty.

And for that reason alone, I can honestly say:
This might just be the best worst prompt yet.