I Tried Watching the World Cup

every four years I say the same thing.

“Maybe this is the year I finally like soccer.”

The whole world loves it. People call out of work for it. Entire countries lose their minds over it.

So I put the game on. Ten minutes in I’m thinking my TV’s on pause. The ball goes this way, that way, backwards, sideways, then back to the same dude who had it in the first place.

I’m sitting there like, “Yo, somebody do somethin’.”

Then a guy gets near the net and the announcer is losing his mind.

This is it. Nope.

The guy kicks it 10 feet over the goal.

The crowd goes crazy anyway. For what? He missed by so much the ball probably landed in Upper Darby.

And don’t get me started with the flopping. One guy gets tapped and drops like he just got clipped by a SEPTA bus and starts crying. Thirty seconds later he’s running around like nothing happened.

By halftime I had checked my eBay and Marketplace listings, made a sandwich, put a load of laundry in, and played with my cats.

Didn’t miss a thing. nope still 0-0

Listen, if you love soccer, God bless ya. Knock yourself out.

Me? Gimme football. Go BIRDS

Gimme third-and-goal. Gimme a two-minute drill. Gimme a quarterback chucking one deep and half the room screaming at the TV.

Because after ninety minutes and a 0-0 tie, I realized something.

Watching soccer is like sitting on the Blue Route at rush hour.

A lot of people are moving around, everybody’s getting worked up, and nobody’s gettin’ anywhere.