Paradoxical Insomnia — The Longest Nights of My Life

Most people think insomnia means you’re lying there wide awake all night, staring at the ceiling. I thought the same thing… until I went through something called paradoxical insomnia. And believe me, it’s one of the strangest experiences a person can go through.

Paradoxical insomnia tricks you. Your body sleeps, but your brain refuses to admit it. You wake up absolutely convinced you never slept a minute. Zero. Meanwhile, the truth is you are sleeping — drifting and cycling — but your mind just isn’t registering the experience.

When I went through it, the fear was constant. I’d think, Here we go again, and the anxiety alone would send adrenaline rushing through my body. And of course, adrenaline and sleep do not get along. Night after night, the cycle fed itself and got worse. It pushed me into the darkest mental place I’ve ever been.

I was so desperate I went to a sleep clinic. Spent the night hooked up to wires, convinced I was awake the entire time. The next morning the tech says, “You slept six hours.”

I stormed out. I didn’t believe them. I thought the machine was wrong or they were just trying to get me out the door. That’s how powerful this condition is — even medical proof feels like a lie.

But eventually, something started to change. On nights when I swore I hadn’t slept at all, I’d catch tiny flashes of dreaming — little moments that didn’t line up with my memory of “being awake all night.” Or I’d look at the clock and realize hours had passed faster than humanly possible. I’d go from midnight to 4 a.m. in what felt like five minutes.

Those cracks in the illusion were what finally broke through to me.

Once I learned what paradoxical insomnia actually was — once I understood that my brain was firing on fear, not facts — I started to calm down. I stopped panicking before bed. And almost immediately, real sleep returned. No medication, just knowledge and patience. My brain finally got out of its own way.

It took time to recover from the emotional crash afterward — a year, honestly — but I did. And I came out of it stronger, more aware of how powerful fear can be, and how much control we reclaim when we understand what’s really happening inside our own heads.

And years later, I even used that experience to help my oldest daughter when she went through her own insomnia. Same story: “Dad, I’m not sleeping.” Same answer: “Yes you are.”

That chapter of my life was brutal… but it also showed me what resilience looks like. Today, when I lay down and fall asleep like a normal person, I’m grateful in a way most people can’t understand.

Sometimes the scariest battles are the ones your own mind creates — and the biggest relief comes the moment you finally learn the truth.